So confused at how I feel.......

How do I feel1 thing and not know what to do with it? But then again how do I feel like this but am still lost for words and understanding on how I feel when people ask. The situation is a touchy one. MEN! How do I miss one that hurt me so much but at the same time like one that I barely know? Everytime I see him I get butterflies. When he is sober he acts differently and doesn't say what's on his mind, he says what he thinks other people want to hear. When he's had a few drinks and is feeling happy he says what he wants and means what he says. As a friend has once said alcohol is 'liquid courage'. But why? If you mean something truly in your heart should you not just be able to say it face to face to the person who it's about or directed at? I miss him and what we had before it turned bad. Why did it have to take so long to get the truth out? And why now is it taking so long to get over it now that he's gone? Maybe because he isn't gone.......I'm just starting to realise that may be the problem. On the other hand there is someone that I almost know but don't feel comfortable yet saying I know them as well as I should for as much as I feel for them at this point in time. I know I don't make sense but writing it out like this helps sometimes. If I don't know somebody as well as i think I should or would like to, is it possible to feel this way? To be confused like I am? Obviously it's possible because I am there but why am I so lost int his situation, it's never bene like this before. The idea of having someone there that adores me for who I am and what I stand for is I think what is so attracting. Is that a bad thing? Am I being a really selfish person thinking like this? Am I really attracted to this person or just the admiration I am receiving from them? How do I tell the difference? I don't know once again.....